A biography
I once got a key ring from the zoo that said the name Louise has Germanic origins and means ‘female warrior,’ while in French it means ‘victorious in battle’- this makes me sounds like some mental Xena Warrior type person, which I would only partly agree with. So in light of my zoo key ring being a total load of shit (incidentally it was not only factually incorrect but also shoddily made - it got all steamed up on the inside), I decided to consult my biographer and lifelong friend Harvey Wellbeloved to draft a quick low-down on the milestones of my life and document some of my achievements.
‘Louise found notoriety and fame in the 1980s when she tirelessly worked using her arsenal of diplomatic finesse to bring about the end of the Cold War. The good people of Berlin (east and west) celebrated with posters of her face and erected statues while the Americans sent a cake.
‘Louise attempted to slip back into obscurity and continue her humanitarian and political works unnoticed whilst working part-time in her local branch of Wimpy. But, alas, this was not be; after performing emergency open heart surgery on a commuter on a crowded rush hour tube train using nothing but a free issue of Shortlist magazine (with Tom Cruise gracing the cover), a pack of flaming hot monster munch and a plastic spoon. The media went crazy and thus crowds of adoring fans flocked.
‘Due to her popularity, grace and elegance the step into show biz seemed only natural and soon Louise was presenting a new, sleeker version of the old classic (originally made famous by two of Louise’s adoring fans, Cheryl Baker and Chris Akabusi) of Record Breakers in which Louise herself broke several records (including consuming the most fudge in one sitting and creating several of the world’s largest “Art Attacks” with Neil Buchanan – the two had a famous falling-out the following year during a particularly heated debate about university top-up fees during a live episode of Jonathan Dimblebys “Any Questions” on BBC Radio 4).
‘In between breaking records and co-ordinating humanitarian relief efforts In Darfur, Louise starred and co-wrote the BAFTA winning series ‘Lully Little Shandy,’ based on the life and death of Tupac Shakur. It was an instant hit, with Stephen Fry declaring it ‘a gritty and emotional masterpiece’.
‘Louise now spends most of her time translating Ancient Greek epic poems into Japanese haikus and tending to her show guinea pigs (of which she has over 70 – a craze which started when her good friend Mickey Rourke bought her one to thank her for saving his life after an accidental drug overdose at a Hollywood party for which Wimpy were catering, at Jonny Depp’s personal request). She likes turkey dinosaurs and animals that look like old men and is always grateful for any donations of either.’
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