Lying Louise visits the cinema
Seeing as Monsoon season has descended upon the capital Lying Louise decided to pursue activities that involved a roof and it was this reasoning that led me to the cinema one horrible autumnal looking day. I haven’t been to the cinema in time, mainly because I prefer to illegally stream my films in the comfort of my own home which doesn’t smell like feet and the floors are most definitely not sticky- I have lost many a slip on shoe to those sticky bastard cinema floors! Also I have a very short attention span, and by the time I’ve reached the dusty husks of my popcorn (usually by the third advert), I am ready to go home.
However I decided to brush aside my doubts and head to the cinema anyway. The journey there should have been warning enough for the horrors that awaited me- I stacked it on the super slippy floor of the train station and bashed my coccyx. This was EXTREMELY painful and it’s still a wee bit tender now- I may have to go to the doctors, but only if they guarantee they’ll prescribe me one of those rubber rings to sit in for a couple of weeks which has always looked like a laugh. Anyway like a true champ I picked myself off the floor and after a very awkward journey and some interesting sitting positions I made it to the talking picture show only to find the queue for the popcorn was IMMENSE. I didn’t realise chewy stale popcorn was so popular? I also saw a really fat man buying the biggest thing of coke I have ever seen! It was bigger than my head! He also bought popcorn and nachos. I admire a man that fat who is not only still willing to show his fat self in public but to show it with no shame as he shovels carbs down his gullet! I bet he tells his friends ‘It’s glandular’ LOLZ.
For future reference I will bring my own supply of delicious sweeties from home. I’m not sure if the cinema operates the sweetie/food equivalent of airport security to frisk people attempting to bring in contraband items, but I have a trick up my sleeve in the form of an old jacket with ripped lining; perfect for hiding sweeties, and on many occasions during my pikey student days, the odd bottle of voddy to sneak into crap clubs. Anyway after being charged extortionate amounts for my usual kids tray by some verruca who wasn’t quite at cognitive development, I headed off to watch…wait for it…ONE DAY. Yaaaaaaaaawn. I had no choice in the matter honestly officer! I would like to be able to say something about the film but I got bored and my mind drifted to other things (Zombie apocalypse, alien abductions- the usual. The seats were surprising comfy and it was all cosy and dark so you can’t really blame me). The one thing I did learn from One Day was that Shergar (the Irish racehorse supposedly kidnapped by the IRA in the 1980’s) is actually alive and well! He trots onto screen in the opening scene swishing his mane and acting under the pseudonym Anne Hathaway.
Above left- Shergar in Anne Hathaway dress up, Right: as he was in his racing days.
Here’s what they should have included in the film to have kept my attention longer than five minutes:
- Cyborgs- Someone (preferably Anne/Shergar) turns into some sort of cyborg/robotic being.
- Machine gun shootout similar to the end scene in Scarface- actually Tony Montana should have a cameo in the film.
- Maybe a singing/dancing number. Like that last one in Grease but less camp. Strictly no John Travolta or flying cars. If my first point is adhered to maybe they could do some robotic type dance! A cool dance off against a nasty group of people who made insensitive comments about the others being poor or not having a mum or something should also be included with the baddies getting their proverbials kicked. Sort of like when my friend Angela had a dance off with some scary girls in a club once (although she slipped over on a spilt drink and cut her leg open and we had to take her to A&E- true story)
- More dogs- lots more dogs. Preferably overweight ones with smooshed faces and breathing difficulties. Actually the whole cast should be replaced by dogs in wigs. Anne Hathaway would be played by a nervous twitching Labrador with red leaky eyes and Jim Strugess would be an afghan hound.
- The whole film should be approximately 100% shorter.
